Lupus Alae

Spiritflights, fledgling and ancient



Have you ever been asked, "How do you do it?" and not had any idea how to answer?

This is a question I encounter often, and have many times throughout my life, particularly in times of distress. I am very much an optimist, and am generally at peace with myself and my circumstances. It is rare that anything comes along that can knock me sideways for very long.

Those in my inner circle sometimes ask me, when they are aware of situations in my life that are less than stellar, how I avoid being smashed flat by things that might squash others. My initial reaction used to be, "It's just how I am." And that is true, to a point. I also am now aware that there is more to it than luck or innate ability.

At present, my household is in danger of going from one income to zero. Worst-case scenario: we could lose our house if this happens and another suitable position doesn't come along quickly enough, before unemployment can no longer keep up with the bills and savings run dry. Apparently I should be panicking right about now.


This is our first house (not too shabby for our late 20s!), and although it is an older house, definitely your fixer-upper sort, it is solid. It keeps the wind and rain out, carries electricity safely and well, and has enough space for us, even if "enough" means quite a bit of clutter for lack of storage space. I like this house.

However, it is just a house. My home is with me wherever I go -- an attitude I developed many years ago, when my place of residence varied often. The building doesn't matter, even though I do love the colors I chose for the walls...this room is a serene light blue that reminds me of a pale spring sky...and the memories attached to this place. Our stuff, most of it, would move to storage and we would temporarily reside with family until we got our feet under us again. Why should I be sad if it came to that? It would be more convenient not to have to tighten the budget or sell the house (if we could get the rest of our fix-it projects completed before foreclosure was the only route left). But we would survive.

Things always shake out alright somehow. I have faith that my life is in the hands of Someone who knows what they're doing, even when I haven't a clue. It is easy to seek out silver linings, to remain hopeful, to have faith that it will all be okay eventually, when you know Someone is looking after things.

And I have always known this, always felt it to be true, even before I could articulate it well enough to even try to explain. I am a panentheist and a Druid, which I hope to delve into in my next post.

I can take my lumps from life and seek out the lessons, the opportunities for growth. I am not easily rattled, and am told that there is an aura of calmness around me, that my energy surrounds people like a mist, a comforting blanket. And I am this way because I know that it all happens for a reason, whether or not the reasons ever become clear to me.

I am also dealing with a more private crisis in my personal life; someone whose presence I have come to rely on heavily is in great pain, is suffering, and so am I. It is an unfortunate situation, to say the least, and I may well suffer a devastating loss. It is not without fear that I face this.

Yes, even though I believe that everything happens for a reason, even though I know that there's Someone guiding things, my heart at times quakes in fear or dread at what seems inevitable along my path. Sometimes I don't understand what happens or why, and I cry out in pain, in anger, in bewilderment. I have raged against "fate," prayed for do-overs, and cried rivers of tears, in my current situation and many others along the way.

That is how I do it. With pain and stress, with hope and faith and the sheer stubbornness to keep turning the pages of this story.


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