Lupus Alae

Spiritflights, fledgling and ancient


Special: To the burning, effervescent core

So many people wander through life asking Why am I here?

I don't have to ask anymore. And it 'only' took 28 years from birth to here!

From the very beginning of conscious thought, as far back as memory stretches, I have found myself set apart. Different. My thoughts, my different from people around me. I never could handle violence, and even Disney deaths can still make me cry. I'm empathetic to a fault if there is such a line; the plight or sorrow of strangers can wrench my heart so hard that I can't sleep for days. I find it impossible to stay angry at someone if I can understand where they were coming from when they did whatever it was that upset me, and I can almost always understand. I probably spend more time pondering other people's perspectives than I ever have given thought to my own. I can't abide conflict and have often acted as mediator between friends.

I'm an INFP personality type (Myers-Briggs), and the description of this personality type reads as if it was written specifically about me. With Rosemary Altea's Soul Signs, I'm the center Air one, the Prophet soul (scroll down that one a bit to get to the Prophet description). Again, pretty fitting.

I've been mocked, ridiculed (more often than I care to recall), called weak and illogical and naive for my 'infernal' optimism and gentle nature, but this is simply who I am.

More than these traits, I've always understood that I was special. Not in a superior-to-others kind of way; not at all. I hold myself and every other human on the planet to be on the same plane, as equals, regardless of social status or personal details. I don't mean to sound immodest (not wanting to inadvertently make someone feel bad/upset is another one of those deeply ingrained traits). I have plenty of faults and flaws! It's just that even from a very early age -- as far back as I can remember -- there's been this core knowledge that I was supposed to do something, be something.

And with that, comes what I've come to see as a perpetual raging fire within. Burning desire isn't strong enough to encompass the ever-present, ever-consuming need to help other people, to be a healing presence, a comforting presence. To make things better...not just for those I care about, but for as many as possible in this world.

In sum, I've been called. And I have felt that calling my entire life. It's not easy being a young child or a teenager (or an adult, really!) and feeling that day in and day out and not being certain how to answer or what it is that you're supposed to do with it!

Oh, I tried to answer it. My driving need to help others has manifested in every way I could think to do it. As a kid, I begged my grandfather to take me with him whenever he did community service projects with the Lions Club (and at 18, I became a Lion I remember counting down the days 'til I could!). I stood in the chill of winter ringing the bell for the Salvation Army, gladly taking a double shift to spare an older person from the cold. I don't think I ever noticed the temperature while I was out there helping.

Thanksgiving baskets for shut-ins and other people who would have difficulty affording food was always one of my favorite projects. Thrusting the bags of groceries and ready-made food into the hands of people who had so little and knowing that at least for a little while, their struggle would be eased...I think I needed that as much as they did.

I've mentioned giving blood's related. The raw act of giving a bit of what keeps me alive, to help keep others's so humbling and touching. To be able to give that gift...I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful for everything I have that I can use to help other people. My hands, my time, my very blood.

It's never enough. It has made me frantic inside before. That I could only give so much at any one opportunity, and then it was back to 'the rest' of my life...the moments when I'm *not* actively doing something to help's hard. That burning within is ever-so-slightly mollified by anything I do, and then it seems to redouble. It's like trying to quench a raging thirst with a single sip of water. It almost makes you thirstier for having had that tiny bit.

In college, I thought I might've figured it out; I was there on a full teaching scholarship. Imagine my chagrin when I found that the career I was pursuing was not something I enjoyed, and furthermore, it proved to be way too restrictive to allow the full outpouring of caring and the things I would have liked to have had the freedom to do within the classroom. This was not in fact the path that answered my calling. Regretfully, but knowing I was right, I switched majors and dropped the scholarship. I've had teachers who didn't want to be there; I couldn't become one.

It still took me years to figure out that everything I felt and everything I was, all rolled into one answer. I feel like such an idiot that it took me so long to see that the burning desire I have and my personality traits are not separate.

I am a deeply spiritual person, and nearly unfailingly sunny about the world in general. If there's a silver lining to be had, I will find it, or help create it.

Harmony is important to me...lives in harmony, comfortable and happy. And one of the things that most bothers me is people's intolerance of one another's differences; the things that make us each into the wonderfully unique individuals we are.

My particular faith happens to be "non-mainstream" and definitely has its fair share of people who scoff -- or worse. It's drawn a lot of fire lately because of one organization under its banner being granted charity status in England.

That calling seems loud -- and clear! -- to me right now. I will be an ambassador of faith working to promote positive interfaith dialogue and relations, and hopefully furthering worldwide religious tolerance. That thought brightens the burn into a white hot flame of healing and yearning, reaching toward a goal that I know is mine to fulfill.

I know without a doubt that this is something I can do and want to do that will continuously help people. I will be taking (as already planned before this epiphany of sorts) the OBOD courses, Bard, Ovate, then Druid, over the next few years. I want to fully immerse myself in the spiritual path I already love that resonates so deeply with the core of who I am, and as I become more knowledgeable and more credible within it, I will not shy away from leading others if asked. I will stand up for Pagan faiths and especially Druidry, leading by quiet non-antagonistic example but standing both gentle and firm, and I know I will not be standing alone.

Most of all, I will make my voice heard across faiths (even if I'm not quite sure how yet) and I will make a positive difference in interfaith relations.

Some people never know why they're here. Me, I've finally stopped wondering. Yes, I'm different. And I'm so grateful.


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